My relationship with an alcoholic

Janey

 

I met Rob on the Internet in 2001 in a chat room. We hit it off immediately. I was raising my three children at home on my own and putting myself through art college. I didn’t go online searching for romance, I just enjoyed chatting to people and having a laugh. We hit it off immediately and within two weeks he was coming down to see me. You might call this rather reckless as I had kids at home but I was careful and he didn’t know where I lived in case I changed my mind.

 

I have to admit, he was VERY happy when he got off the train but I put that down to a drink to settle nerves.. I was very nervous too.

 

We went for a drink and had a whale of a time and I took him home and the kids loved him.

 

A few weeks later I went to visit him and that was when I realized that Rob might have a problem. It was a party weekend, visiting lots of his friends. He was in need of a drink in the morning to settle the shakes. I was a bit naive, not having really dealt with someone with a drink problem before, I didn’t understand the extent of the issues it would cause later.

 

A year later on Robs birthday, he moved in with me. He’d reduced down his drinking considerably due to health problems, we thought he was suffering from pancreatitus but this didn’t stop his drinking. He was also suffering from depression which had been with him for many years. Basically he moved in with me because living near his friends and socializing constantly was going to kill him. It wasn’t his friends fault, it was his own. He was drinking because he wasn’t happy with his life..

 

Rob was a white cider drinker and only ever progressed on to harder drinks at times of celebration where he would quite happily down a bottle of vodka.

 

2002 – 2006

 

I was never a heavy drink. I enjoyed getting a little squiffy now and then. But I found myself becoming a heavy drinker quite quickly. Rob would drink every day so I would drink every day. My children on occasion raised the issue but I didn’t listen, as far as I was concerned, I didn’t have a problem.

 

It probably took me a couple of years to realize that I probably did. As we’d be driving past a shop on the way home from work, I’d have a sinking heart as we drove on by and didn’t stop to pick up a bottle. I don’t think I would have drank so heavily had I not been with Rob. I remember often thinking I’d had enough to drink but would then think… If I don’t drink any of that cider Rob would drink it all and then pass out so I would drink to stop him drinking so much. I don’t know if anyone else has felt like that or if you consider it an excuse but I can assure you thats the way it was.

 

I can’t say that Rob ever lost a job due to his drinking. He did drink during his lunch breaks and always had issues with management. He has worked on and off but considers himself unemployable.

 

Robs children would often come down to stay with us for a few days. This did not reduce Robs drinking at all. If anything it would aggravate it as he would feel stressed trying to be a good dad, wanting to share himself totally with the children and ensure they would have a good time.

 

My mum was concerned, she liked Rob but having lived with my father who had been an alcoholic she knew the effects it would have in all areas of our lives. Relationship, trust, money, socializing, work… all areas would be affected.

 

Rob would often be drunk by 12 o’clock on Christmas day and would spend the rest of the day sleeping. The same would go for anyones birthday. He got very possessive of any booze he considered his but would drink anyone else’s at the drop of a hat. A half empty bottle or can was too tempting for him to leave and I would often get up in the morning to find he’d finished it off before I’d had a chance to get rid of it. I remember him falling out with me several times and shouting at me when I’d be pouring a glass of wine down the drink. I couldn’t leave a drop in a glass when we were out with out him finishing it off.

 

One Christmas, he passed out on the floor, the kids thought he was playing with them and were putting spaghetti on his face. I was incensed. I dragged him upstairs and put him in a cold bath, made him drink coffee and eat bread to try and soak up some of the alcohol. Mean while, his kids were down stairs waiting for their dinner and a story to go to bed. I told Rob in no uncertain terms that he was letting them down big time and he broke down. He didn’t give up drinking tho.

 

The kids and I would want to go out to the beach but often Rob would make excuses not to go simply because he knew he wouldn’t be safe to drive.

 

On my days off, I’d want to go out somewhere fun but Rob didn’t want to be out late as he’d want to get back to drink at home. We hardly ever went to the cinema and only ever ate out if it was somewhere local that we could walk to. Hardly ever went on holiday and when we did it was all based on drinking rather than exploring the local area. Rob would make an effort but it was always obvious to me that he’d rather be back at the house with a glass in his hand.

 

We went through a very sticky time were Rob had an affair. Their were problems at home, 6 of us living in our house, money, work, pressure but I forgave him. He was a good man who was never violent and never meant to hurt anyone.

 

We struggled to pay bills but would never cut back on the alcohol. Often having to extend our overdraft or loan. We were probably spending about £120 minimum a month on alcohol to drink at home. I do say we because I was partly responsible.

 

Rob stopped looking after himself and wasn’t particularly fussed about his appearance. The only thing that bothered him was that his face was always red and he had lumps on his face. Both alcohol related.

 

Depression was a major factor in Robs drinking. The more depressed he felt the more he would drink. The anti depressants that he was on enabled him to get drunk faster but that didn’t reduce the amount he drank.

 

I consider myself lucky that Rob wasn’t a violent drunk. He didn’t get mouthy or offensive to anyone. Sometimes he would be a little too honest with people when he was drunk which would cause a family rift but we always got through it.

 

There were times when Rob would come and pick me up from work and his driving would be a little erratic giving cause for concern but he would always assure me that he hadn’t been drinking. On occasion my mum would turn up to collect me as Rob wasn’t feeling ‘well’. My son would ask her to come and get me if he suspected that Rob had been drinking.

 

Rob took our dog for a walk on a regular basis and on one occasion ended up concussing himself and not remembering how he got home but complained that someone had pinched his bottle of cider that he’d bought for later. Fortunately he didn’t have too many blackouts.

 

His social skills and trust in me became non existent and he resented me having any social life. He relied totally on me and my son for company at which point my work became an issue. He though I was having affairs, hated it if I had to work late and did not like the amount of traveling I had to do. We wasted so much time with me reassuring him all the time. Every single night when I got home from work we would have to have a deep and meaning full discussion. I loved him, he wasn’t always drunk and I had confidence that he would get through it all.

 

There are many many situations I could tell you about but I think you get the gist of what it was like living with an alcoholic. So I’ll move on.

 

Rock Bottom

 

In 2006 it all came to a head. I’d been promoted, had a lot of pressure on me and was working long hours. I’d gone to visit my friends for the evening who live only five minutes away but who I hadn’t socialized with for about 6 months. Part way through the evening I had my son on the phone to me asking what time I’d be home but gave no reason why he was asking. Within 10 minutes Rob was on the phone saying that I was lying and that I was out with a fella from work. Several calls later I switched my phone off. By 10.30 my friends decided that they were going to the pub but I decided I’d best go home. I met Rob on his way to my friends house to see if I was there. I flipped and told him how ridiculous this all was.

 

I went to bed and wasn’t surprised that he wasn’t in bed with me in the morning. I found him on the settee and woke him up. He looked very rough and within a few minutes admitted that he’d taken an overdose of pills. He was devastated that he’d been so stupid. I stayed calm but inside I was seething. My daughter was ill and I’d wanted to go and visit her but instead I ended up spending the day at the hospital with Rob.

 

That day, Rob woke up to what he was doing to himself, me, my family and his family. He hasn’t touched a drop since.

 

Rob made the decision to give up. He just stopped. He did visit the doctor eventually and he did seek out counseling. I take great pride in Rob and his achievement as I was there to support him through out the whole process. Any time he was feeling down and talking about how hard it was I would remind him about how fantastically he was doing and how far he had come. The physical transformation was amazing, within weeks he was looking 10 years younger and most of the redness and lumps on his face had gone.

 

I can’t say it was an easy ride for Rob to get off booze but I’m so glad I stuck with him. He’s confessed to me now about how much he was actually drinking and how secretive a lot of it was. How he’d have a bottle tucked away by the computer which he’d drink first thing in the morning. About how every time he took the dog out for a walk he had a special place to go and drink. About how often he would have been over the limit driving. About how bad he would feel that no one could rely on him for lifts.. even in an emergency.

 

We got married this year (2007). A year after he gave up alcohol and it was a fantastic day. All our friends and family were there. Plenty of alcohol about to celebrate the happy occasion but Rob didn’t feel the need to touch a drop.

 

My Advice

 

Be careful not to join the alcoholic. If I wasn’t an alcoholic, I wasn’t far off becoming one. Be aware that it can be all too easy to end up drinking every night with your companion. Listen to your family as they will be the first to notice any changes in you.

 

Don’t lecture. I realized very early that this doesn’t work. An alcoholic has to come to realize themselves that they have a problem and they have to act on it. Thats not to say we didn’t discuss the problem. We did frequently but always in a rational way.

 

Don’t challenge. When you find their secret stash or empty bottles… don’t challenge them on it. Thats one of the worst things you can do. An alcoholic drinks to forget and drinks to make themselves feel better. Letting them know that you know what their up to only exasperates the situation and makes them drink more, become more secretive or just plain blatant about it all.

 

Read up on alcoholism. You’ll understand what their going through and how hard it can be to stop when their alcohol dependent. You need to understand the health consiquences and how best to help your partner. I’ve listed a few sites that might be worth a visit.

 

Rational recovery

 

 

 

Be supportive. I was fortunate that Rob was able to resolve his problems whilst still living at home where I could support him but it doesn’t always work like that. Rob had hit rock bottom by trying to take his life. Other alcoholics might have to find themselves on the street before they wake up to the damage they are doing to themselves and their loved ones. I would always suggest not closing the door completely to them and be ready with support when they are finally ready to do something about it.

 

Be prepared. Coming off alcohol isn’t easy and stopping without the support of a doctor can be dangerous. Giving up straight away and going cold turkey can cause major problems including fits. I know this as Rob went cold turkey. He fitted several times, fortunately on minor fits but they were still scary. We knew he was likely to and I was able to help him through it.

 

Mood swings. An alcoholic is usually drinking to suppress emotions they don’t want to deal with. Rob was warned that he had a lot of emotional development to catch up on and that it was likely he would go through a lot in the next few months. After all, Rob had been an addict for over 20 years. We did go through a lot together but having read up on what was going to happen, We were prepared.

 

Alcoholic Anonymous. This ones a bit hit and miss. It works for some but not for everyone. It didn’t for Rob. He wanted to share what he was going through and talk to others that were going through the same thing but felt that he wasn’t allowed to have any confidence. They wanted to drag him down further rather than saying well done for the achievements he’d made. They told him that he would fail and that he was a dry drunk. I don’t know what the though process was but it did nothing to build Rob up and give him the confidence that he could do this.

 

And finally

 

I hope if any of my words strike a chord with you that you find my advice helpful. I can’t honestly say that if Rob hadn’t decided when he did to give up the booze that we would still be together, nor would we have married. I can’t promise that everyone gets a happy ending. Nor can I even promise that Rob will never drink again.

 

I do however know that our relationship goes from strength to strength. I also know that Rob never intends to drink again. I am a great believer in positive thinking and having faith in ones own ability to shape the future.

 

I had faith in Rob, I could see his value beyond the drink.